Dear Dollophead
by MugglehalfBorn
Summary: After Arthur's death, Merlin remained. These are the letters that he wrote to Arthur. Arthur/Merlin MERTHUR. Camelot/Arthur RETURNS.


_Dear Dollophead_

_It's been over a year now. It feels like decades, but Leon told me it's been exactly one year since you died. I've been wanting to write to you for ages, but I was afraid it would just make it hurt more. I eventually realised that this is going to hurt no matter what I do, so I may as well write._

_Gwen and the knights have been good. They tried to drag me back to Camelot at first, but when I refused Gwen had them build me a little cottage just off of the lake. I probably would have frozen to death if she hadn't. I'm thankful for her kindness, and I wish you could see her Arthur, she's a strong Queen. One that I know you would be proud of. _

_I'm happy living beside the lake. When the seasons change the effect is instantaneous and the leaves on the trees clustered around the lake change colours from red to yellow. It's definitely something that we don't see in Camelot. It's so peaceful here, but don't worry, I'm not always alone. The knights visit me from time to time, you know when they can, and we talk, mostly of the future and of Camelot. Their loyalty to Gwen is unwavering, it's all because of you Arthur that the kingdom has reached its full potential. I couldn't have been gladder to hear that. _

_Gwen is always insisting that I return to Camelot, but I can't. I've tried to return to Camelot, and relive the days before. The problem is that it's just too painful to go back now. To go back without you with me. _

_They remind me too much of you. _

_Ever since you died, I've been trying to stay away from things that remind me of that day. And of things that remind me of you. It hurts to remember. I miss you a little, a little too much, a little to often, and a little more each day._

_You've gone but you're not forgotten. I've never told you, but I've always loved you Arthur. I have for years now. I know in reality that we couldn't have been together. Now that your gone I do sometimes close my eyes and it's as if you're right there with me .I've found comfort in knowing that in my dreams your mine forever._

_I gave you everything but it still wasn't enough to save you,_

_And for that I'm sorry._

_Your friend,_

_Merlin_

Merlin barely managed to sign his name before his hands began shaking so much that he had to pull them away, bringing his right hand slowly to his chest, as if to cradle a small child. Tears rolled down his face and sobs shook his body as his hands shook. This hadn't been a good idea. It had just made everything worse. He knew it would be, but he couldn't resist the urge to feel even vaguely connected to Arthur.

Merlin rose to his feet and the air shifted unceasingly, his head starting to pound and heavy red rimmed eyes drooping tiredly. His eyes felt swollen and puffy from his flow of watery warm tears that never ceased to end. His hair was a tangle of black messy locks and hung around his ears, he had not tended to his appearance for months, and he could only imagine what the knights had thought when they had visited. He knew that if he were to see his reflection that he would be almost unrecognisable to his former self-serving Arthur in Camelot.

With the letter written, signed and hidden in a crate below his desk he then made his way to his bed and swiftly curled up amongst the warm fabrics that Gwen had provided for him. It was nice that she had thought of him. He hadn't felt deserving at the time.

As he curled onto the soft fabrics he reached out to clutch Arthur's red cloak to his chest, just below, tangled beneath his pillow. It was as if the fabric could mend the hole inside of him. He had never asked for it, but Gwen had seemed to know and had let him keep it. The cloak was a constant soothing reminder of Arthur, no matter how much it hurt, he knew he couldn't ever part with it. It was the only piece that he had left of his friend.

He brought the fabric up to his face and closed his eyes, his breath engulfing the fabric. The added comfort that he had received from such an object brought new tears to his eyes, it just reminded him of what he had lost.

He hadn't wanted it to end this way. He had misread Mordred's intentions. It was his fault that Arthur was dead. He knew it was, and he had learnt to live with that knowledge.

The day kept replaying back in his mind as he drifted to sleep. It didn't matter whether the dreams where of Arthur dying, of him coming back, or of the memories they'd shared together. It was always connected in a way which left him feeling lonelier than ever.

"_I warn you, I've been trained to kill since birth."_

"_Wow. And how long have you been training to be a prat?"_

"_You can't address me like that!"_

"_Sorry. How long have you been training to be a prat, my lord?"_

That had been there first meeting.

It was shockingly different to their last meeting before the lake.

"_You're not going to say goodbye." Merlin heaved as he tried to pull Arthur to his feet once more._

"_No, Merlin…Everything you've done, I know now. For me, for Camelot. For the kingdom you helped me build."_

"_You'd have done it without me." Merlin grinned_

_Arthur weakly grinned up to him, his eyes glazing "Maybe. I want to say, something I've never said before. "_

_He paused and looked up to Merlin, in which he said two simple words that would leave there mark on him for years to come._

"_Thank you"_

Merlin sobbed into the red clock, the bed stools rocking with him as he got louder in his sobs.

"_There were so many times where I thought I had lost you._

_But now, there are days _

_Where I still can't believe I actually have."_


End file.
